Not Barney
by penguinfighter-d-chan
Summary: He checks every security guard, dead or alive, making sure that what he tells himself is true. "Not Barney." Covers Half-Life 1 and 2 while also going into an AU. NOW M-RATED! Art by dessin-chambre at
1. Sessions 1 thru 5

Session #1: Language Barrier

A flip of a corpse and a relieved sigh echoed through the cement halls, "Not Barney," Dr. Gordon Freeman assured himself while taking the dead security officer's ammunition. It wasn't stealing if the subject in question was deceased, that's what he told himself. His Father wouldn't be too pleased but he _did_ bring about this condition onto himself. How arrogant of him to try and- never mind. He was human now. Checking every security guard had become Gordon's way to keep sane through the consequences of the Resonance Cascade. It made him sure that some of the people he actually cared about were still alive. One in at least three hundred and fifty security officers...Freeman smirked, he liked his odds.

Five months earlier...

It was a lovely binge of a night but both Freeman and Calhoun were still going through shots like college boys instead of the responsible adults they were supposed to be. "Man, I should head on back; Lauren's gonna call soon..." Barney murmured with a loopy smile on his face. "[hic!] You're still with her? Shit, it's been what, a year?" Gordon egged on before taking another shot of mezcal. "You two should get married or somethin'." That made the guard laugh hysterically, "Me? The great Barney Calhoun? _Married_? Christ, that tequila's gettin' to ya, Gordo!" This was one of Calhoun's most notable traits; his inability to commit to someone for more than 365 days, let alone marry. Neither enjoyed staying with the same romantic partner for too long although Gordon's flightiness was less markedly so. "So, what happened to Heather from Biology?" Barney asked, fully knowing the answer but nonetheless asking to see the reaction. The physicist's face dropped and was replaced with annoyance, "She _tasered_ me. Lemme repeat: TASERED me." Totally worth it.

Gordon caught that little sour grapes happiness and slapped the back of his best friend's head. "You enjoyed that, you _Schadenfreude_," Freeman hissed rather miffed. "Your mother," Barney snapped back, drunk but not stupid. Since meeting the MIT graduate, the guard knew that he tended to slip into gratuitous German whenever he was angry, annoyed, and in more hilarious cases, bumbling with women. Rather sad when a cute bartender slapped him and called him Hitler. More funsies for Barnes then! "Your mom's a kinky woman then." "Fuck you." To rub salt into Calhoun's language wounds, Gordon also spoke and read fluent French, Spanish, and scientific-grade Greek.

This was always a nifty trick to have as Calhoun regularly came into his friend's lab or dorm for translation aid. One night, at 4:21 am, Gordon was begrudgingly awake to the resounding knocks at his door. "What, Barn?" the physicist didn't look like he'd slept a full night; maybe because he _hadn't_. The security guard held up a letter, "I just got this from Lauren, and I think she's trying to show off her Language 101." Freeman didn't bother reading it and said groggily, "She hates you and wants to dump your ass." "Bullshit! I've seen enough French pornos to know _je__t'aime_ means I love you!" Be still the scientist's heart, it quelled with an eye roll, "If you learned French from pornos, then I know Japanese." It took less than a second for Calhoun to get the joke and was instantly squicked out. "You sick fuck!" "Go to sleep, Barney."

Session # 2: Kiss

Freeman had counted twelve dead guards, counting the one vaporized in the Blast Pit, none were Barney. At first, he was thankful but now it was beginning to worry him. Would his best friend be detained somewhere? Would he be infected by these..._things_? Gordon was sure His Father had to be high to conceive the Houndeyes or the Bullsquids, PCP for the headcrabs. There was no way for this to be rational. The more sentient aliens were closer to sanity but that was irrelevant. A computer screen flashed BLACK SHEEP COME HOME intermittently and the physicist simply ignored it. He wasn't abandoning this place, going the easy way out the mess he helped create.

His fingers hovered along those severely dry lips and instantly closed his eyes. People like him tasted of cinnamon when they got hammered. Evens out the alcohol in their blood.

3 months ago...

The first kiss had been done on a dare by Dr. Samuels, during that year's newbie hazing. "C'mon; you two are always flirting anyways!" the middle-aged woman chortled out, giddy with booze. "Witty comebacks and the occasional fist fights flirting doesn't make," Freeman groaned, nursing his beer can. "Like hell, we all know about-" "THAT WAS MIT. WEIRD SHIT HAPPENS DURING GREEK WEEK," Gordon instantly cut off any curiosity about that _one__time_ in college. But...he'd be lying if he hadn't enjoyed it. Oh, this strange man was not a virgin. Hasn't been one in years. Centuries one could say. Still, that very same kiss was worth $1000 and Gordon knew Barney _really__needed_ that money this month. So, he came up to the security guard, grabbed his face and seized his lips for a full 5 seconds. Calhoun was stunned at how...tender Freeman was in this kiss; he expected the full prickle of the goatee but got soft lips. An unnatural spice lined the lock, gone just as fast as it came. It felt cinnamon-y. "You can thank me later," Freeman whispered between their lips before grabbing the bottle of mezcal and heading back to his room. Either he was too drunk or too stunned but after that, all Barney remembered was that envelope signed and full of cash.

The week later, Calhoun sneaked into his best friend's rather small cubicle and presented him with a bottle of Jack Daniels. "Yeah, I watched the security tapes," Barney smirked and offered a glass. "The things I do for you, Barnes," Freeman laughed and toasted, "To you getting some breath mints. You almost killed me back there!"

Session #3: Butterfly

Gordon breathed as he closed the door behind him with a slight of his hand. Another and the door locks itself. _Still__have__some__of__that_ _left_, he thought to himself, exhausted and leaning against the wall. He was still reeling from going headfirst into that HECU squadron, bullet wounds slowly closing. Green eyes glowed dully in the darkness, vulnerable for the first time since last night. For a moment, Freeman removed the neck piece from his HEV suit and rubbed the butterfly bruise. That last soldier managed to strangle him for a few precious seconds. _I'll__be__seeing__and__feeling__**these**__tomorrow,_ he admitted tiredly but tomorrow was looking so far away. His back ached so much, reminding him that he could heed the call left by the screens, be free again. "No...I have to find Barney...fix all this."

Taking advantage of the privacy, the physicist took off the rest of his armor and stretched. Two large and quite old scars stood out against fresher and more painful wounds on his back. And yet, he was so fond of them.

4 Months Ago...

"WHAT THAT FUCK HAPPENED TO YOU?" caught the scientist off guard so badly, he almost tripped in his shower. "Wha?" "Dude, your back's all torn up! What, you get into a wrestling match with a lawn mower?" Barney continued his inquiry, ever so curiously drawing closer. For a moment, Gordon hesitated on letting his friend get near but relented. They felt worn down, as if they were painted onto his skin. "Um...never a good idea to play with the neighbor's tools," Freeman answered as best as he could. "Damn, Gordo; they look nasty." Either Calhoun was deliberately lingering in his touch or he forgot his best friend was down to his underwear and just about to get wet. "Barnes? I stink like a biology experiment gone wrong two weeks ago." He should not have asked because he immediately missed those fingertips on his shoulders, or at least the touch, not the slap. "Sorry to interrupt your me-time, Princess," Barney chuckled a bit and finally left the physicist be in his bath.

Twenty minutes later, as he dried off his auburn hair and placed his glasses, he saw his friend help himself to a beer. "That's the fifth beer you've mooched off me," Gordon pointed out, clinking his bottle with Barney's. "You love me, you'll recover," the security guard joked, "and you owe me from those basketball tickets last season." Freeman raised an eyebrow and sighed, "Just get the Seagal marathon started."

It could not have been the most opportune moment if he tried: the dark room, distracting movie visuals and sounds... Gordon returned the touch to Barney, along the lower back, masking this strange affection with a prank. Once contact was made, the obligatory startle scene coincided with it, and Barney almost _embedded_himself to the roof. "YOU FUCKER! NOT FUNNY!" _Au__contraire_, Freeman has fallen on the floor, hurting from laughing too hard. "Fucking worth it." Later into the marathon, during a more meditative scene, Calhoun surmised, "They look like wings though...like a bird or a butterfly." Freeman stared for a second to ask, "Uh huh. That's enough booze, Barnes. I'll call Lauren, prescribe you two oral, and call me in the morning if you still feel stupid." "Ass, I meant your scars And you can't prescribe shit, we found out the hard way, remember?" Barney shot back, finishing up the sixth bottle and starting the seventh. "It was still hilarious."

Session #4: Illness

When Freeman killed his first Guard zombie, his heart dropped to the floor. He'd counted 26 security employees, 27 with this development. As truly disgusted as it was, the physicist waited until the creature gave his last breath and yanked the headcrab off the victim's face. The squish and slurp gave way to the phallic limb release and a good look at the man. Although the acid melted the skin away, Gordon said his mantra, "Not Barney." An act of kindness was in order, so he closed the dead man's jaw and posed him comfortably. It was around this time that he started to question his role in the Resonance Cascade. It was all too contrived, almost programmed for him to insert the anomalous sample. He'd seen the strange government man in the hall, looking at the scientist with interest. No one but him.

With his two years working in Black Mesa, Gordon had only recently moved out of the cubicles and started putting his brilliant theories to work. He was now seeing the practical uses of his and his fellows' research...simply amazing. This is why he was the black sheep of his family: he was too curious about the how and why of the world. He dared question why everything happened and it made him a favored son. But, something changed in the theoretical physicist; only now he'd started to miss family. That something had been- A Bullquid's long howl meant that this hallway was anything but secure. He'd have to give this G-man matter thought another time; right now, he was dealing with this plague.

Two months ago...

"ACHOO! FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK," Barney's holler fell into deaf ears, literally; Gordon was too busy running simulations and listening to his walkman. So imagine his dull surprise when his best friend showed up shit-faced to his cubicle. "I phink I'm sick," Calhoun muttered, red eyes and runny nose at full glory. "And?" "Hold me," the guard tried to hug the scientist but found himself hugging a clipboard. "Go away, you CDC nightmare," Freeman chuckled while offering a bottle of water, "I have a spotless record and I want to keep it that way." A sip later and Barney plopped onto Gordon's seat, "Lauren's comin' over with her parents and this shit happens? Who did I piss off in a past life to deserve this?" "I'm guessing a doctor or someone _trying_ to do their job?" the nerd sarcastically answered. "Am I interrupting something ultra-important? Because I kinda need my best friend more than the Department of Defense right now," the guard whined. "You are _so_ needy, Barnes," Gordon rolled his eyes and shooed Barney out of his chair, "Come, sit on my lap and tell your buddy how can he help you."

Calhoun groaned and actually followed the suggestion, leaning on Freeman's shoulder before answering, "A li'l bit of sympathy would be nice." "Ha, you're out of luck; I'm a highly-functioning sociopath. And last time I checked Black Mesa's a restricted area. She's bullshitting you into coming over to her place and get nasty," Gordon sniped back, rubbing Barney's back tenderly. "I'm already nasty, freaky, and kinky. But, right now, I'd rather not." A Dr. Sayers, floor douche, instantly quipped, "Gay," then sat on his cubicle, only to have his computer mysteriously crash. "Dude, just go to the medical wing or be a man and use the Med-Station," Freeman reasoned while Barney wiped his nose. "I hate needles," was the reason given. Any quip died when Calhoun saw the judging look in his friend's almost impossibly green eyes. "Fine, but if I turn into a mutant because of the Med-Station reacting to the bug, I blame _you_." "You love me, now get out before Magnusson catches you here and has a fit," Gordon bid farewell and resumed his tedious report-writing.

Session # 5: Pet

Watching the Ichthyosaur swim around in circles around the submerged room made Gordon a bit uneasy about swimming. No corpses of scientists or guards could be seen but, as soon as he killed this oversized fish stick, he'd make sure of this fact. The poor scientist, one Dr. Yancy Roberts, had been stuck there for a while now and he was looking paler by the minute when he explained the tranquilizer gun. Contrary to his requests, Gordon was going to_kill_ the alien fish, not sedate it for further study. But his words would go unheard, so he silently grabbed the weapon, and hopped inside the cage.

The spastic movements the monster acted up probably meant it was stuck in a reflux loop, unstable and enraged. Freeman kept a sane mind, shooting the alien fish...until he saw it. A guard's body, torn apart with just-graying black hair..._Barney._ The Ichthyosaur lunged at full speed but suddenly went belly up for no good reason. Dr. Roberts discovered, upon further examination, that _all_ the creature's internal organs had been instantly liquefied. All he heard Gordon murmur was "Not Barney."

A year ago...

"The fuck is that?" "Lauren's dog, I know," Barney groaned, holding the yappy toy breed dog biting his glove, "Our first anniversary and we got a dog. I preferred a Labrador but noooooooo, got me a hyperactive Furby." Gordon was holding in a laugh when he asked, "So what's his name?" "...Bruiser." Freeman could barely breathe, he was laughing and convulsing that hard. "Shut up! It's not like I had a choice in the matter!" "You are officially whipped!" the scientist corrected, regaining his footing and managing to scratch the chihuahua's head. "How come you're so good with dogs?" Barney commented, the dog in question was instantly subdued. "I'm just good with bitches, I guess. I mean, I handle you just fine," Freeman quipped, earning a punch to the arm. "Ow!"

As much as the dog wriggled and skittered about the small office space, the two friends shared a beer. "I can't believe you got a chihuahua," the physicist rubbed in the guard's face just a little longer. "I'm wet with joy," Calhoun growled. "Give 'im time, dude; show him you're the alpha mutt and he'll follow," Gordon smiled and took a sip. "Or what?" "Or he'll attempt to emasculate you in your sleep." The glare the nerd got was more than enough to make the scientist chuckle and duck the rightfully deserved punch to the nose.


	2. Sessions 6 thru 9

A/N: Sessions 6 through 9 of this story, I definitely had help from my twin, bunnyqlita, with this. There was supposed to be a Session #10 but it is so huge, I'll put it up separately due to the heaviness in themes. Enjoy!

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><p>Session #6: Act Like a Child<p>

Home...a endless prairie where he and his beloved siblings ran around and played, no matter their age. In that open space, they were children again, playing hide and seek, reading, exploring, and napping on the soft ground. He had in his tiny hand his sister's, her smile and gray locks of hair contrasting the earthy yellows and greens. "My dearest-" When Freeman opened his eyes from the reverie, the tall wheat and flowers were gone, replaced with steel and cement. _Goddamn call's making me homesick_, he mourned until he heard the clang of the trash compactor come online. Instantly, the physicist grabbed a nearby crowbar and hurried out of the spot where he'd been left to die by two soldiers. They managed to beat him unconscious but Gordon remembered each of their faces and voices. They're in for a very pissed-off nerd on a mission once he properly recovered. He would've continued on if he didn't find the grotesque wall writings just down the hall...

_A bird whose wings have been plucked will lose all of its feathers, and turn into the creature that it was before it evolved into a bird. _That was all written in soldiers' blood, making Gordon's hair stand on end. His back immediately ached but he had to dismiss the ugly, gruesome thoughts contaminating his mind. He wasn't a bird. He was not a bird. But he'd rather steer clear of any soldiers that might have their knives handy.

_Five months ago..._

Gordon, the insufferable prankster when he wanted to be, wanted to get the drop on his friend on that given day. Since he did get the rest of the day off, he decided to use the secret passageways and vents to get to Blue Shift's dorms. Armed with a can of silly string, a bag of feathers and determination, the gleeful scientist made his way through the ventilation complex.

He quietly crawled out of the open vent in the locker room, making sure no one saw or heard him. Just then, he saw Barney enter the shower, laughing as he hung up his cellphone. _Sitting duck..._Gordon snickered as he readied the can.

Barney, unaware of his stringy demise, began to undress. "Damn I am sore..." he complained as he took off the bulletproof vest and undid his shirt. His torso was covered in the day's sweat, he was pretty ripped for a mid-level security guard. It made the physicist tingle in all the right places.

_Holy shit..._Gordon thought, his thoughts distracting him from everything else in the world, including the can in his hand. It fell with a loud CLUNK, immediately alerting Barney. "What the—Gordon? What the fuck are you doing here?" It only took him a second to realize his friend was gawking at him, another to see the silly string and feathers. "Seriously?"

Gordon composed himself quickly, hoping that there was no drool to tattle his intense study of Barney's physiology. "Eh, felt like making you dance like a chicken. NOW DANCE!" he said, squirting the sticky string at his friend. "YOU CHILDISH SON OF A BITCH!" Calhoun yelled between laughs, tackling Freeman down and wrestling the can out of his grip. He then proceeded to return the favor, covering him from head to toe. They laughed on the floor for a good while, hardly breathing and scaring off any other cop. "You look like a bird exploded on you!" "Thanks jackass," the cop retorted, "now I have to take a bath. You can take the other stall."

"Ever done it with a man?" Gordon offhandedly asked as he pulled out the string off himself and his friend showered. "Nope, you?""Can't say, Fraternity secrecy pledge." "Dude, really?" "I'd have to kill you," Freeman shrugged. "_I'm_ the one with the gun," Barney snapped back, unable to avoid his best friend's approving nod. "Yes, yes you do." The blush was inevitable, and the towel toss even less so, "Go away, Freeman; you're making this awkward."

Session # 7: Girl Talk

None, and I mean, NONE of the women in Black Mesa were seen but Freeman could definitely hear them. It seemed that headcrabs were not attaching too well with female specimens but that was completely unfounded here-say. Then again, the men to women ratio in this research facility was abysmally low, even compared to Aperture Science. The rival company made Gordon think about his own sister and their competitive nature. For many years, Giaconda found fault in all of her beloved brother's lovers, even regarding royalty (symbolic or otherwise) as simple "floozies", hardly worth his attention. Men were entirely dismissed as passing fancies for them. And, as much as Freeman hated to admit, she was right. They were all fleeting desires, he quickly grew bored with each and every one of them.

Finding the body of Heather from Biology was not without a glance of annoyance; she died clutching her taser instead of grabbing a more effective weapon. And yet, Freeman got on his knees and laid her comfortably, as he'd done to the headcrabbed guard. He gave her a small kiss and sighed, "You didn't deserve this...no one did." He didn't go anywhere for a few minutes, he hid in the cubicles and reminded himself, "Not Barney." _Barney...I could never hurt you. I care about you too much for that to happen. I might even-_

_4 months prior..._

"No way." "I'd do her after two bottles of cheap wine." The banter was endless as the two friends hung around Dr. Kleiner's balcony-like lab. Watching the other scientists made for the world's worst Fuck or Not selection but Gordon and Barney made the most out of the situation. "Colette?" "Hell to the no; she's all work and no play. Plus, she has a taser and Gordon + Taser = Temporary Sterility." "Man, all she needs is a little _Oirish_ lovin' and she'll be happy as a clam," Calhoun kid around, making an obviously rude hip thrust to emphasize. "Do that and I'll get back to you when your testicles are fried to a crisp," Gordon reminded him, slightly hoping that it really did happen. That much electricity fucking hurts and Barney always taunted how _manly_ he was.

"And Miss Gertrude?" the scientist pointed at the old charming biddy at the External Guest Reception room. Today was her retirement; she still wore her party hat and toyed with her nice pen. "Gordon, no. Heel. She's what? 85?" Calhoun grimaced, recoiled at the thought of venturing into those ancient- "I'd do her back when _I_ started in Black Mesa," Kleiner cut in with a grin. "In fact, I did." "Holy shit, REALLY?" both younger employees spun around, totally shocked at the revelation. Adding to the surprise, Isaac dusted off an old leather kit and presented them with an old monochrome picture. Gordon and Barney could barely believe what they were seeing. "Ahh, Gertrude, you were my very first, the little sex kitten-"

"Stop please! It's bad enough that you and her screwed around but now, the image of dear old Miss Gertrude naked is BURNED INTO MY SKULL!" Freeman exclaimed, hoping he could melt his eyes off at the Industry Materials and Processing Labs. "Hey, at least then, her tits didn't sag to the floor! THE INHUMANITY!" Calhoun was utterly flabbergasted by the thought of that sweet old lady that gave out cookies on Fridays could mount _anything _other than a reclining chair. Kleiner didn't take well the shenanigans and scolded them both back to work, completely forgetting that the two "youngsters" had yet to finish their cake slices.

The game quickly resumed, now in an empty senior senior senior vice manager office. "Molly?" "Bitch-face Molly from Marketing? With that attitude, it borders on beastiality. Pass," _Ah, hit a sore spot!_ Gordon happily thought after that response from his best friend. "Don't kid yourself, Gordie; Gina told me all about your little kinks in bed," Barney quipped back, shutting up whatever witty comeback the nerd had. "I have a condition, it makes me overly sensitive," Gordon stated matter-of-fact. "Are you gonna cry to momma?" Calhoun so stupidly shot back before getting tackled to the ground. "Lemme show ya!"

Session # 8: Chicken

After twenty-four hours of no food and excessive strain to his body was pushing Gordon to his logical limit. He needed real food; snack food and coffee only slightly delayed the stomach growls. He was too far from a proper break room and all that was left was a dead soldier's lighter, the guy's hunting knife, nd a freshly killed head crab. The last snack machine had a note written in Bullsquid blood, "Yummy yummy," with a sample of stated species. It had been cut open and apart, the limbs gone but the organs intact. _They didn't like the innards, _the good doctor thought, disturbed by the notion of his fellow scientists reduced to hunting untested horrors for sustenance so soon. What would happen if they didn't like the aliens? The gruesome extreme exposed Darwin's Survival of the Fittest in a new light.

Either way, Freeman would have to undergo this rite of passage into madness as well. He might as well use the parasite. He thanked His Father he had a iron stomach or this would drive him as mad as Yummy Yummy. Yes, he's calling a possible cannibal that; no, he doesn't care. A little pile of torn papers made a suitable fuel supply for a small roast. Gordon took the knife, flipped the creature on its back, and studied it. He really should've paid more attention to the Fish Tank scientist. "Oh God...please don't infect me." The first cut was leathery and tough but a quick exposure to fire made it slightly more tender. Once the meat was apparently cooked through, the choice was made. "Bottoms up," Freeman cheered himself on, covered his eyes, and tossed the tissue into his mouth.

It was incredibly greasy, akin to a piece of pork right off the pan. Because of their cephalitic nature, Gordon figured that headcrabs were moving brains with mouths. Turns out he was half-right but the taste was unforgettable. It tasted like old caterpillars and stale ham, a combination the scientist could barely keep down. "I've, ugh, had worse with my ex, Rachel," he griped and yet continued to slice and devour. Ten minutes had elapsed and only half the alien had been eaten; Gordon managed to keep some of it in his system. The rest, he unceremoniously puked in a trash can, making him wish it actually tasted like chicken.

_Two months ago..._

The cop and the nerd were hanging out on their break when Barney took Gordon's chin and smiled ever so timidly. "I've been wanting to do this for a while now," he whispered, knowing only the ultra-geeks were in the area. "Me too..." Freeman answered in that same, sultry voice. They both drew closer and closer, eyes fluttering shut, lips pucking out slightly. "NOPE, CAN'T DO IT!" Calhoun immediately growled and backed off. Freeman grinned and fist-pumped in victory. "I am the KING of Gay Chicken!" "No fair, you're bisexual!" the guard called him out but it was too late, Gordon got sassy. "And your point is?" "_The point is_ that it's either cringe-worthy awkward for both of us or it's not Chicken!" Barney's argument was hilarious, to which the scientist said, "Sugar, you don't kiss; you maul the poor victim."

"Haven't heard any complaints from Lauren," Calhoun shot back. "Obviously, you're not kissing the same lips you almost did just now," Gordon shrugged. "Like you're any better. Now fetch me a sandwich," Barney commanded, only to get shoved lightly. "No, I'm serious; I left my lunch back at my old post." Laughing along the way, the physicist opened the much better equipped fridge at the Quantum Physics Application Labs and took out some ingredients for an appropriately chicken breast sandwich for two. As he fixed the meal, Barney was fairly impressed by the set-up. "You take cooking classes during MIT?" "No, I'm applying chemistry. Cooking's nothing more than that," Freeman was quick to correct as he cut the construction into slices. A taste and the security guard ate the damn thing in a couple of bites. "...You're coming over next time I'm going to Lauren's." "Ooh, a threesome."

Meanwhile, the good, hardworking people in the aforementioned lab wondered if these two morons would ever get a room.

Session # 9 Ghosts

"I'm not an expert on the subject, but I think those are the voices of the damned," Freeman observed in a particularly dark hallway. The wails and moans echoed along the cement walls, splattered with blood and in some cases, brain matter. After a while in this place, the corpses started to look less than gunshot victims and more like suicides. There were signs of self-inflicted wounds to the head, vertical slits up the wrists and, in one dreadful case, still twitching from overdosing on painkillers. Gordon easily figured that, if ghosts were real, these would be the ones haunting. Suicides were always mourned in his home; they were the lost ones...the ones that could not be saved. He personally had never seen one this up close and yet, it was still a dead body. Like all the others he'd passed by.

Without further ado, Gordon pried the corpse from the chair and, after a struggle with the onset of rigor mortis, managed to lay him down properly. He was just fixing the man's arms when the corpse seized him and moaned, "You should've said no, bird." Immediately, the physicist scrambled away from the body and fired two more shots. "H-holy shit," his voice quivered a little; he was either hallucinating or he had just witnessed an actual haunting. _And they __**knew**_ _about the experiment._ The dead knew about it and _blamed __**him**_, it was a truth. "I'm-I'm so sorry," the scared scientist whispered, "I'm so sorry."

Dr. Gordon Freeman didn't need a creepy transparent guy or a choir of lingering voices to be scared of. His guilt and remorse was a perfect fit to haunt him. He spotted a security guard and flipped him. His head was shattered beyond repair but he was too skinny, too pale. "Not Barney," that phrase meant so much right now, "Please, not Barney."

_Three months prior..._

It was Freeman's turn to pick the movie for Monday Night Scarefest and he was pleased with the result. He picked two movies: _House of 1000 Corpses_ for the ladies and _The Exorcist_ for the guys. By the second half of the latter, all that was left were Lauren, Barney, and himself. She was a photographer for the state newspaper, meaning she was always on the road and on the scene. She was perfect for a man who spent 75% of the day in a restricted area with little or no outside contact. Lauren would send Calhoun pictures of her locations, giving him glimpses of the world outside. They were definitely made for each other, and it showed by the way they were holding each other.

But Lauren seemed to compete with Freeman over Barney's attention, maybe it was in her imagination. Then again, the nerd was around him more, to the point that Sam Bundy, one of Barney's coworkers, called Lauren his "ghost". The guys at Blue Shift encouraged Calhoun to have some one-night stands or at least go to strip clubs. Gordon was the only voice of reason, making sure that the only "nudie bars" his best friend was going to would traumatize him into not cheating and give out only $1 bills. "Anyone wants a cold one?" the host geek asked. "I'll come with you," the photographer answered, kissing her boyfriend and following Freeman into the kitchen. They were going to mutually grill each other.

"So, do you have a girlfriend?" Lauren shot first as she uncapped her bottle. "Currently, none that may or may not electrocute me," Freeman answered flatly. "Ouch. Kinky guy?" "Sensitive. And what are your intentions with Barney? Don't be breaking his heart." The young woman laughed and clinked her beer with his. "Oh I won't; I plan on making him the happiest man in the world." The physicist would be lying if he didn't feel jealous. Who he was jealous of was quite uncertain. "Girls, girls, you're both very pretty. Now get back in here to watch the crabwalk!" Barney called out, breaking the ice and making them both smile. "Back to the grind, huh?" Lauren smirked. "He's so needy, you're lucky you're traveling all the time, and not deal with it."


	3. Sessions 10 thru 11

A/N: A year later and I finally have the courage to put these two chapters because of the AU divergence here. It was something I decide to go for it, and I ope you enjoy!

DISCLAIMER: Recognize it? (c) VALVe

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><p><em>Session # 10: Touch<em>

Cold droplets slipped under Gordon's neck, skin shivering to such a contrast. Any other time, such a sensation would've been enjoyed due to his hypersensitive skin. He didn't understand why he had such a condition but it was not helping in getting out of the freezer rooms. In fact, it was getting painful and speeding up any initial hypothermia that began a few minutes ago.

So the moment the physicist found the exit door, he hauled ass and practically destroyed the rusty metal with whatever he could find. Screw the incoming Bullsquids and Vortigaunts, he sprinted right past them only to grab as many lab coats as he could and locked himself in an office. "H-holy n-ninth level of Hell...that was too fucking cold!" The Green Apocalypse can wait, Gordon Freeman was huddled in a corner, trying his hardest to warm his skin and regain his sense of touch.

_Two weeks prior..._

The physicist was only doing his job when he felt the most glorious tickle along his spine. He groaned and shuddering involuntarily, grabbing the edge of his desk. "Holy shit, you really ARE sensitive!" Barney exclaimed, clearly amused by such a reaction. "Fucking hell, Barney! I told you I had a condition!" Freeman yelled annoyed at the experiment. "Hell yeah you do!" Like the prick that he was, Calhoun managed to repeat the action, managing to mix in a scream of pleasure. Worst part? Gordon wasn't alone, at least there were only three other scientists heard the mess.

As the chase carried on, Barney spotted small bruises along his best friend's wrists and instances on his neck. "Someone went to Leather Heather!" he mused along. Leather Heather, unlike Shock-tastic Heather from Biology, was a secretary from Customer Relations that was infamous for her more obscure bedside practice. This included BDSM and it was rumored that even Administrator Breen paid her a visit to "de-stress". "I did not!" Today, Gordon was not feeling like getting grilled over this particular condition so he pursued his best friend into a hall with no exit. "How good was it then?"

"...The woman's too eager with her whip, "Ack, too much information, Freedork!" "You should try her, get all the bullshit out of you in one session!" "Uh, no thanks, I'd rather do this," the officer said as he dragged his fingertips down, making the scientist's eyes roll involuntarily. "You know what, Barnes? Come closer, I have something for you," Gordon said seductively, after enjoying that little moment of bliss. He pulled on the cop's tie, pulling him close enough to feel his friend's shaky breath. In another instance of Barney questioning his sexuality, their lips drew closer, causing them to close their eyes in anticipation...

"The hell happened to your face, Calhoun?" Sergeant Otis Laurey asked as Barney entered. Sure enough, his left eye had become a swollen purple mess. "I let my guard down for a second and, uh, hit a door, sir," he answered as he pressed a cold pack to his eye. _Beware of the geeky ones...they may know how to bop someone's eye out!_

_Session # 11: Sunlight_

Two months prior...

"Oh I _know_ you're not tanning up there," Calhoun yelled to the familiar figure laying on top of a security outpost within Sector B. "You're right, I'm napping," Gordon shot back with a smirk. "The fuck, bro? Don't you have work to do? And it's 100 degrees out here!" the guard scolded, nonetheless climbing the maintenance stairs to meet his friend. "Psh, it's 89 degrees and I overloaded the server trying to run simulations of black hole thermodynamics. I am on break until Dr. Rosenburg sets new parameters." "Dude, you know what happens every time you run more than one black hole in these computers," Barney scolded, proving once again that scientists were not the only smart guys in Black Mesa. Freeman preened happily and laid back down, Calhoun following suit.

After a while, Barney checked his cell phone, noting a missed call from Lauren and a text from Otis about taking the Blue Shift. "Gotta pick up milk for the missus?" the nerd taunted, relaxed under the warmth. "I wish. That always ends in me licking her-" "It's almost lunchtime, don't make me regret coming out here," Freeman stopped that line of thought. "What _are_ you doing out here?" the guard inquired, getting a shrug as a response. "I spend my whole day in a lab or a cubicle. Gotta enjoy the little things, Barnes," Gordon answered truthfully. This gave Barney pause to think, "Yeah, I guess so." "Besides, I'm so pale, I can take down helicopters from the glare." "So much truth, Gordo."

Present Day...

As soon as Gordon got rid of those nasty-ass space bees (FUCKING BEES), he sprinted past the pile of dead soldiers and turned around to check his perimeter. _Okay, no one's following me_, he was pleased with himself at the moment, finally on his own. His new surroundings were decidedly a change from what he'd been used to; he was finally at the Black Mesa main lab entrance! There was no need for artificial lights, the window panes let in all the illumination the room needed from the New Mexico sun. To feel the sunlight against what little exposed skin he had felt amazing and the physicist realized...just how much he missed it. A little creep of homesickness took over Gordon and, for once, he chose to give in. He quickly scanned the area for any witnesses or video cameras, this would be very private. _Okay, no one's watching, I can finally do this_, he assured himself as he pressed the dismissal button on the HEV suit torso.

Once his top half was freed, the theoretical physicist took one deep breath and, for once in almost six months, let his wings unfold from his back. He let out one pure, unfiltered sigh of pleasure, arms wrapped in his chest. His body immediately relaxed as the feathered limbs stretched and spread out. There were six wings in total but only the main pair got to remain whilst the others disappeared again into the doctor's back. Regardless, they were all gray, speckled with a defined pattern of black and brown feathers and tips. It suited them to be called "owl", that's what his dear younger brother called them. To feel like this, Gordon couldn't help say, "This is better than sex." For this brief moment, he was in his true form.

"HOLY SHIT," a slightly muffled voice startled the physicist into hiding. He quickly took out his pistol aimed to where the sound originated. It was a masked soldier, suitably dressed for a HECU mission. Cautious green eyes glowed, trailing the man as he slowly walked over to the spot, apparently dumbfounded by the sight. "It-it's okay, I'm not going to hurt you," the stranger attempted at communicating, making the mistake of confusing whatever he saw to be like a dog. Gordon's reaction to scream in an unfathomable voice was not helping matters but it did disrupt any tracking and comm-link devices in the immediate area. He wasn't himself at the moment, he was acting on a primal drive, like that of a cornered animal. But the scientist knew that, had it been Barney or Dr. Kleiner, he wouldn't be so aggressive.

The soldier held out his hand and stated, "I'm Corporal Adrian Shepherd, HECU and you?" "I'm not telling you," Freeman finally answered in a growl, "you want us dead." "Orders are only to capture you and I'm sure I didn't hallucinate what I just saw," Adrian's voice tattled his tries at civility and Gordon had no choice but to comply. "Yeah, you don't kill me but you'll send me to the CIA for experimentation. I do enough of that here," the physicist hissed, refusing to come out of the shadows. "Look, I can tell you're one of the scientists from the Incident; you left half your HEV suit out here." That was true and Freeman had no protection against the all-mighty bullet. "Fuck." That last word made Shepherd laugh in his mask and ask, "Aren't angels not supposed to curse?"

Gordon immediately stood up and stepped back into the sunlight, silently walking past the HECU soldier and picked up the armor. He sneered at Shepherd as his wings closed and disappeared back into his body so he could dress himself properly. "I should kill you but the aliens might just do a better job at it," the nerd threatened. "Yeah, they probably will. So..." the sight of shyness in a hardened soldier made Freeman grin a bit condescendingly until Adrian said, "Do you mind if I ask you some questions?"

The theoretical physicist sighed and rattled, "No, I haven't seen God or Elvis, every person has their own personalized Heaven, and I cannot grant wishes nor smite your enemies." The soldier shrugged and smirked, "Good to know but those aren't the questions I want answered." The scientist let out an annoyed huff and retorted, "Then what?" "Why are you here? Why don't you fly away?" Adrian asked the very questions plaguing the doctor. His mind, rational as ever, was telling him to forget Black Mesa, go home. "I...was curious. About everything." And of course, he couldn't forget _him_. "I can't tell you any more or I'd have to maim your throat."

Adrian shrugged and leaned against the reception desk; his squadron had either bailed or died in the ensuing chaos of the Resonance Cascade. He was alone and to see the strange winged man was a bizarrely comforting sight. His military training de-constructed the 'dangerous monster' angle Freeman was playing up; Shepherd saw a cornered creature, back to the wall and rendered defenseless in this situation. Which brings him to ask, "What's it like to be, you know...?" "Me? Damn awesome," Gordon couldn't help himself. "I don't even know you personally and I think you're a prick." the HECU soldier rolled his unseen eyes, "I meant that in a purely objective point of view." Suddenly, Shepherd hissed in pain as his patch-up job on a bullet wound caved to the rigors of survival.

As per his hidden nature, the nerd immediately shoved the soldier into a chair and examined the rapidly bleeding hole. "Stay still and bite something," was Adrian's only warning as Freeman dug his fingers into the wound and painfully extracted the projectile. "This is for all the civilians your teams have killed." "FUCKING HELL, WHAT IS WRONG-" the curse died in the soldier's mouth, pain replaced by a sense of euphoria. When he looked down, smooth skin replaced the damage along the strange man's fingertips. "You really are the real deal." "Shut up," Gordon's voice had considerably lower, back to that defensive tone. He _really_ hated doing patch-up jobs to humans; it totally messed up the whole 'mortality' experiment he'd been running for a while now. No use griping about it though. "I miss it."

"Huh?" Shepherd managed to pry his attention away from the healed wound to say. "Home," If he could have Barney with him, in those infinite wild fields, safe from the world... "Any other questions you want to ask?" The soldier shook his head and extended his handshake. "Just one more; you think I'd get my own Heaven if I died?" Gordon shook his hand and noted that, although his comrades had shot down dozens of his coworkers and friends, Adrian Shepherd had killed no scientist and was not a bad man. A loyal soldier if anything. "Can't make any promises but, from my highly misinformed opinion, I'd say yes." "Cool," that was the last Dr. Gordon Freeman heard Corporal Adrian Shepherd speak, a final salute before he went back into the pit that was Black Mesa. Freeman had no hopes for his survival but he did towards that last promise.

At the edge of darkness and completely disregarded by the powers that be...a man's voice dripped with hunger. _Yummy, yummy._


	4. Sessions 12 thru 14

A/N: Oh hello M-rating, it's been a while. If you haven't figured out what Gordon is by now, I'll leave it up to interpretation. A future session will explain this further but for now THEY FUCK. A little something for making you all wait almost a year for an update.

Recognize it? (c) VALVe

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><p><em>Session # 12: Jealousy<em>

Plagiarism in Black Mesa was not only rampant but practically encouraged. Rumors that some of the higher-ups had stolen technology from Aperture Science annoyed Gordon, more so the man snidely telling him said rumor. Dr. James Sayers was the floor douchebag, his applied mathematical skills were only rivaled by Freeman's intellect; his general nastiness to the physicist's liver capacity. A student of CalTech, Sayers was one of the '96-98 arrivals along with Gordon but out of that batch, only four remained, himself and Gordon included. Freeman remained out of sheer determination, and sneaking out to type all his reports and investigations in what he would later find out to be Barney's barracks.

Gordon fumed out of the conference room, furious at the fact that Sayers spit on years of his work, blood and sweat. The isolation of 0-dimensional clusters not oscillating strings could very well discredit the String Theory the physicist hated so much. His research into electromagnetic vibrations in order to achieve such a result could've net Black Mesa the big one: the Nobel Prize. And Sayers screwed him over by moving one decimal in the trial final draft. It actually caused a small explosion during preliminary trials. The only reason Freeman hadn't been demoted to staff again was the fact that: a) small explosions were common at the labs, b) James' experiment failed even more spectacularly.

So pissed was he that he completely ignored Barney's hello and barked at the interns for no goddamn reason other than blowing off steam. Damn, Gordon's mad, he observed oh so brilliantly, and it didn't take long to figure out why when Sayers walked out of the same conference room with a smug grin on his face. "Barney to the rescue then," Calhoun shrugged; easier said than done. Once his best friend was in a bad mood, he'd stay that way for a while, like a brat. That is...until he found the PA system hub during his seventh floor rounds.

The intercom system beeped alive. Great, what now? he thought as he looked up. "Gordon, this is God," the PA announced, catching anyone's attention within earshot of any terminal. "Collete, they're at it again," Dr. Cross grumbled as her girlfriend merely shook her head with a smile. "I'm a little busy right now. Can you take a message?" Freeman answered right back. "I command you to go get the undeniable bad-ass Barney a beer. Preferably chilled." Gordon laughed as he flipped the camera off. "That's not nice, I'll smite thee wit-" "CALHOUN!" Dr. Kleiner yelled from behind the cop. "Oh shit! Uh, remember that beer!" Freeman smiled as Sayers just glared at him. "Some coddling from your boyfriend?" "Fuck off Jim" he replied, annoyed at the floor douche ruining such a sweet moment,"You wish you could get a crack whore half as good to suck your cock."

"Oh come on, you were right there! How you not see that perfect shot?" Barney complained in the gun training compound. "Nope. Sorry, couldn't see your tiny, tiny peashooter," Gordon was particularly feeling a bit snippy over a Magnum. The security guard figured his friend could use a round of target practice after such a nasty day. But by the way things were going, he would need more targets to relieve his own frustration with Freeman than he had anticipated for both of them. All the scientist did for the last hour was belittle everything in sight; his clothes, his coworkers, his posture, even his love life. He'd given up his afternoon for his friend, but to Dr. Freeman, it meant nothing.

"It's because of you Blue Shift-" In that moment, Barney towered over the scientist's body, pushing him against the wall. "I know you want to irk the shit out of me, Freeman," he growled into his friend's ear. He knew it took most of Gordon's will to not react and even more to be this close. "Is it working?" the physicist asked, annoyed. "Yes." In his frustration, the cop left in a huff, wondering out loud why did he even bother, and dropped the invitation. Gordon huffed and resumed aiming. He unloaded three perfect shots onto the poor watermelon, ah, the effects of sexual frustration and alpha male instincts over target practice.

"Stupid...what's that?" Gordon picked up the small paper and read it as he reloaded. His heart twisted with instant regret, it was a dinner invitation to present a thesis draft for evaluation. He placed the gun on the table and ran to Blue Shift's dorms. He had to get to Barney now! "Where's Calhoun?" he asked Otis. "On shift, you just missed him." "Good."

He had to update his doctoral thesis and now he had motivation for it as he read his friend's work. He had to beat Sayers in the one area he knew he was, quote, "the fucking best". And second, to have his best friend enjoy a wonderful night for free. After all the shit he put him through, it was the least Gordon could do. He sat down the old bed and read intensely. No one heard or saw Freeman for the rest of the day, and the smell of microwave food and coffee permeated the air.

Barney was proud of himself, they were great drafts. His got his findings across without sounding like a pretentious ass. Calhoun's aerodynamic systems were vastly more efficient than what the scientists were implementing. "Change the parameter to 0.01 and you're good," the scientist greeted him at the door, beer mug chilled and ready for consumption. "Gordon, what the fuck?" Like a kid who didn't want someone copying his test, the guard held his notes close to his heart. He'd been had. "It's amazing," Gordon grinned. "What?" "Your paper on aerial navigation systems..." "You read my draft...and you liked it." Freeman nodded and handed both the rest of the draft and the invitation over. "You'll do fine at the evaluation, Barney. You'll get the chance to get the fuck out of here and be a fine engineer," he grinned, offering a handshake. "Um, you wanna come with me? To the dinner I mean." "What about Lauren?" "You're my best friend and smartest person I know. I think she wouldn't like such a boring dinner." Freeman smiled for a moment, "Aww, thanks, Ba-" then a look of slight annoyance, "did you just call me boring?" "Yeah, pretty much."

_Session # 13: Night_

A month before the Incident...

For some reason, Barney was particularly restless one night. He offered to take over his roommate's night shift just to free up his mind and relax him. He used the vents he and Gordon used to help Kleiner to make the patrols more interesting. After an uneventful night, he figured he could slip by Freeman's small abode for his fowl-themed revenge.

Gordon was up late as usual, writing up the analysis for the new samples. His eyes were dreary from insomnia, one hand writing down minute observations, the other holding his head up. Perfect, the cop thought as he slowly opened the door to the dorm, knowing his friend was too tired to notice. His plan: play the world's ultimate gay chicken showdown. He inched closer and took a gentle sigh on the back of the scientist's neck. Instead of seeing Gordon hit the ceiling in surprise as he had assumed, the drowsy man moaned in unashamed pleasure, "Yes..."

He could turn away right now and let the scientist sleep and win, but something about the way he said that single word invited him to stay hidden and tease a little more. He covered his eyes, pushed his head to the side and clicked off the desk lamp. His lips suckled the fringes of that close-cut mess of auburn hair, smiling when the shudder rolled from the lower back up.

Next thing he knew, Barney found himself on his friend's bed, being dominated with fervent kisses and exploratory touches in the dark. He felt as the scientist growled in unexpected hunger, undressing his torso quickly. His mind told him to call it off and push his very needy friend off, but...he found himself too deep in to bother. It felt amazing and weird; getting his groin rubbed with one hand and held down with another. Each kiss stole a little of his breath away. Between groans and gasps, he could've sworn the excited man was growling his name under his breath.

Gordon on the other hand, let his body relax himself with whoever was under him. So entranced he was with the mysterious visitor, he groaned Barney's name in pleasure. He really didn't care if the person beneath him heard; all he was thinking about was having the guard on naked, all four legs and riding him until stupid. Lucky him, this tryst had a convenient dick, making the mental replacement that much easier. He was growing harder by the spit swap, melding their forms into the double-back. The New Mexico moon shone into the dorm's window, white light covering its every nook and cranny. It was then that Gordon saw who was quickly becoming his much needed relief and stopped in his tracks. HOLY SHIT...He quickly got off his bed and backed off to assess the situation. He had been seconds away from taking his pants off and unknowingly fuck his best friend to oblivion.

Before another coherent thought went through his mind, he saw as a half-dressed Calhoun squirming in pleasure. "Don't stop," Barney moaned. "Go home Barnes, you won." In his stupor, the guard pulled him on top with a passionate liplock. "Fuck that..." he growled as they made their way under the scientist's bedsheets, "Do it." Of course it was awkward and let's face it, once the pants were off, this set-up was fairly different than a woman's. It was painful at first, preparing him, but not enough to dissuade Barney from what was in store. A massage to the legs and the inner thighs had him bucking for it, prompting the cop to ask, "The hell did you learn to do this?" "Greek week at MIT." Lies, all lies, making Freeman hiss. That first intrusion was awkward. It was messy, the whole affair made Gordon flip down the group picture he had simply because Lauren was on the image. He didn't want anyone to share the moment as he repeatedly penetrated his best friend until he screamed his name.

That morning, while the sun was just peeking out of the canyon landscape, Gordon opened his eyes feeling better than he had in months. His room was a complete mess, clothes littered the floor, forming a trail to the unkempt bed and followed to his best friend's naked figure. He looked so peaceful, covered in sweat from exhaustion. The scientist closed his eyes to relive how they had screwed all through the night, how they said each other's name during the affair, how they synchronized their movements for the best fuck the physicist could possibly remember. His eyes were glossy just remembering the moment Calhoun dug his nails into his shoulders and seized his lips, to keep the screaming to a minimum. But the fact that what they had done would have severe consequences, the cop had been unfaithful to his girlfriend and Gordon had crossed the best-friend line about one passionate night away.

"Where do we go from here?" Barney warmly asked as he woke up, sore but satisfied. Gordon was already awake, grabbing a mug of coffee for both of them. Satisfied, the guard took a sip of the sweet black drink and gave his lover a smile. "Nowhere." The pained expression on Freeman's face instantly worried Barney but a sudden haze knocked him out cold. The next thing he knew, he was in his own dorm and unable to remember just what happened last night. All he could muster were the ghost sensations, wild and dizzying, but most of all, toe-curling pleasure. Even thinking about it made him rise halfway to the occasion, something Gordon had no problem pointing out.

"Having wet dreams, Barnes?" "Shut up and get me a beer; I may have had the most incredible night and I can't remember ANY of it," Calhoun said rather annoyed but mostly...disappointed. "Right away dear. Newspaper too?" Freeman shrugged. "Only if you don't burn breakfast, sweetie." "Wow, a misogynist and a horny asshole; I'm flattered," the physicist commented with his trademarked smirk and two painkillers. "I love you too," the guard shot back, smiling right back and clinking his bottle with Gordon's. Nothing had changed...

_Session #14 Fear_

It was during the crossing between the main lab branch and the Lambda Complex that Gordon knew he was being followed. It wasn't HECU; those men were as subtle as a brick to the face, or the aliens; he could hear the dimension-ripping portals a mile away. No, it was something he couldn't track. The near infrasonic squeaks of worn-down leather seemed to echo in the dank vents. It sounded like a scientist walking about but that's what unsettled Freeman; he was walking, not running for his life. The OD-hanged haunting left the physicist quite unnerved with people who he considered his coworkers. He remained inside the small space and peeked out through a gap.

It was indeed someone from Military Applications, a much younger man than the usual balding or gray-haired peer. He actually seemed around Freeman's age and it would've been welcoming had his entire frame not been covered in blood. In his right hand was a knife, dripping with congealed red drops. The man stopped in his tracks for a nerve-wracking second then turned his eyesight straight to Gordon. "I know you're there, bird," five words that made Freeman scramble as fast as he could away from that one spot. But no matter where he went, the stranger followed relentlessly, giggling along the way. Calling him "bird" terrified the hell out the physicist, that person knew his secret but how!?

Wait, the physicist stopped in his tracks and decided to get a better look at the person chasing him. The bloody bastard was not from Military Applications but upon closer inspection...this was not a stranger. "Sayers." The man halted and smirked, "Freeman. Knew you were weird but this? This is just amazing," James sneered at his former coworker. "Added bonus, it makes you look like a hypocrite." That earned the sociopath an amused eyebrow from Gordon, "How so? And don't get pretentious on me; I'm busy." "Looking for your fuck buddy? Or just finishing the job?"

"I don't want to hurt you, Jim; I really don't," Gordon argued, withdrawing his gun regardless. From the computer screens, a tiny MIDI-like song began to play...a music box. Freeman immediately recognized it and immediately cringed. Sayers heard nothing, only the sounds of the fellow scientist clicking his safety off. "That's what the soldiers said before they started killing your coworkers, Gordie," he said in what could only be described as being truly dead inside, "They begged for absolution. We all really thought they were there to help us. But you...you don't need help."

"I'm sorry but where exactly does becoming a serial killer fit in this little monologue you have going?" Freeman cut right to the chase only to get tasered into submission. "Shut up, I'm having a moment of lucidity," Sayers mused, pressing his bloody shoe onto Gordon's cheek, "And it's back!" He then proceeded to kick the scientist to the side. "You see, Bird, yeah that's your name from now on, I was one of the three candidates for today's experiment. Me, you, and that Mossman bitch. But Administrator Breen wanted 'only the best' for this occasion; naturally I was disgusted to see you take that spot. And now," Sayers continued, calmly stomping onto Freeman's back, "I can see my apathy was completely justified, fucking cheater."

"So you killed the scientists because of that?! That -cough- doesn't make sense!" "No, dumbfuck; I didn't kill all the scientists..." a condescending expression lined the rival's face, "I only killed the idiots who thought I was inferior. Y'know, like you." Gordon hocked a full wad of blood into Sayer's face and grinned, "Likewise, asshole." Another crushing stomp to the back was in order, now digging his heel into the shoulder and causing distress to those critical muscles. The music box became louder and louder, bouncing off the walls as the hallway's lights began flickering. Each kick to Gordon's body made cracking and squishing noises that echoed the halls, even through the HEV suit's protection. The agony of his beautiful wings being broken and torn inside his own body was all the more evident when the victim screamed.

"S-Stop now, Sayers!" Freeman tried to convince his assailant to lay off. "I finally have you eating dirt, like hell I'm passing this by." He was unredeemable and about to perform the coup on his former coworker's neck. "By the by, I'm sure your wings will be delicious once I cook them proper." Now...THIS was the last straw and Freeman let out a ghastly scream. His true voice was indescribably loud, being infra and supersonic at the same time. Sayers immediately flinched off the scientist, yelling in pain at his exploded eardrums. Green eyes with rage unlike anything the madman has seen, as light bulbs shattered in a grand show. But it was this display of raw power that revealed all six of Gordon's wings in their now-broken glory. Their silhouettes would be painted on the wall both Adrian and Barney found Dr. James Sayers' thoroughly decimated corpse...along with that music box echoing in the hall.


	5. Extra Session: Broken

_A/N:_ Barney's side of the story! This was cowritten with my twin, tumblr user dessin-chambre aka BunnyQueen and I've been itching to get this chapter along! It shows the consequences of Gordon's actions in Session 13, in which amnesia doesn't solve everything.

Recognize it? (c) VALVe

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><p><em>Extraordinary Session: [Broken]<em>

When Barney saw his best friend being dragged off by the HECU soldiers, he desperately tried to reach out but he knew it'd do no good. Gordon seemed so...tired. Of course he was, he was at ground zero when the Cascade exploded. The guard had been stuck in an elevator with two employees, now dying if not dead. Just like Freeman, he too had been surviving the last forty-eight hours, looking for his best friend. Unlike the physicist, all Calhoun had to look for was the HEV suit he last saw Gordon wearing. The files read that there was only 35 fully operational suits at any time, about twelve were decommissioned, considerably better odds of finding each other. At first, Calhoun tried to contact his ex-girlfriend on the outside but, once he got the dial tone, he immediately hung up. His rational mind said it was to keep her safe, his irrational mind established different priorities. To see that priority be taken away made his heart ache that much harder...defeat that much painful. "Barney!" Dr. Kleiner called out and beckoned him closer to his office. Calhoun had no choice but let Gordon go...for now. _I'll find ya, Gordon...I promise you._

Dr. Kleiner was scrambling about, barely able to reload his shotgun without the shivers. "Oh my, I-I can't seem to-" "Easy, doc," Barney said with a weary smile, loading the shells calmly and steadily, "if the aliens don't get you, a malfunctioning ticker will." "Thank you, Calhoun," Isaac apologized before asking, "What were you staring out so intently?" "I saw Gordon, doc, and he's in bad shape. Those HECU guys really did a number on him," Calhoun answered rather worried, "I think he's been taken to the Industrial Annex." For some reason, the balding doctor didn't seem that worried. "Don't worry, the Lambda Complex people are close by and they should be able to lock onto Gordon's position soon enough. Besides, that boy's got fight in him; he'll give 'em hell!" That blind faith, in some way, was triple in Barney's mind; he knew his friend would find his way back home. "Now, let's try and get Dr. Vance's lab up and running before more of those brutes come in."

_One week before the Incident..._

"Barney, what's wrong?" Lauren asked as he stared at the ceiling. He looked at her with gentle eyes, knowing something was wrong between them. He had been distant from her ever since that incredible one-night stand. Aside from kisses and hugs, he hadn't touched her since; the fact was that he wanted whoever he slept with more than anything in the world. "I'm not sure." He tried to rationalize why he could've forgotten this but, the pleasurable images were beginning to replace his girlfriend. In fact, the last time the couple had sex, it had been right after the suspicious event, only to discard the possibility that it had been a surprise visit from her. It wasn't; some stranger fucked him so well, his brain hadn't recovered from it. He thought of Gordon being the guilty party, to which he answered, "Nope." Gordon was just too easy a target to blame because of his sexuality. There was an intimate friendship that could not be broken over something so fleeting as sex.

Lauren's eyes shifted up to the ceiling with his, trying to understand what was bothering him so- "I had a one-night stand," Barney finally confessed, "A one-night stand I can't remember." The photographer was understandably caught off guard and hurt. "You did what?" "I don't know if it was real or not. I actually thought it was you but..." "You cheated on me." That hurt tone made the security guard swallow hard and sit up, "You deserve better." "I know." Unknown to them, said physicist had been listening to the conversation. He figured he could invite the two for a cold beer since Lauren was usually traveling and couldn't spend time with her beau. He stood there, outside the door and leaning against it. He felt incredibly guilty; he caused this rupture because of one stupid night. He knew that Lauren meant the world to Barney so he tried his best to erase his memories of their night together with a concoction he thought would work, but somehow it backfired.

When Lauren left the apartment, Gordon hid long enough to appear he'd just walk in. "Hey Barnes? You in here?" he called into the small shared room. Sitting on the bed was Barney Calhoun, reasonably sad and in need. "Yeah, I'm here. How long have you been there?" he asked sullen. "Long enough to know you, um, need a beer," the physicist tried to comfort. The gesture was not lost on the security guard, letting himself recline against Freeman's shoulder and sighed. "Lauren and I broke up, Gordon." "I'm sorry for your loss." The rest of the night, the scientist slept over in the bunk bed next to Barney; he could miss a day of work. The next day, while Gordon slept, the cop wrote down a small to-do list for that weekend: _buy groceries, get permission from Otis, buy flowers for Lauren._


	6. Sessions 15 thru 16

_A/N: As you the reader have noticed, time isn't one way in this story. Though I hope it's coherent enough! Enjoy!_

Recognize it? (C) VALVe, Black Sheep reference (C) Metric

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><p><em>Session 15: Escape<em>

Gordon felt relieved to see the Lambda symbol at last, after so much death and disease and alien guts. After encountering more people alive, his hopes for finding his friends alive were high. But the sheer amount of alien grunts and HECU soldiers destroyed that flicker of hope in a few minutes of reaching the complex. As much as he wanted to run back and search the other half of Black Mesa, he had to see this Xen business to the end.

He was down to his last hopes (and energy reserves) when he opened what seemed to be another laboratory door. "Gordon!" He looked up and stopped breathing, trying hard to resist the urge to collapse from sheer exhaustion and joy. Barney Calhoun, the one person that kept him from just leaving Black Mesa to rot, was standing in front of him, safe and sound. "Ah Gordon! I knew you could make it!" Kleiner said, smiling behind the cop.

Gordon, you've been shot. Come on, I'll get you a med kit." "I've been shot, cut, burned, and electrocuted and may have radiation poisoning," Freeman added, unable to stop smiling. The computer screen immediately behind Calhoun flickered "BLACK SHEEP COME HOME" but the scientist shook his head and reclined against Barney's shoulder the moment he sat down. _I found what I was looking for,_ he thought with a bit of sorrow; it'd be a long time he'd be able to see his family again but he was finally happy. "TAKE CARE BLACK SHEEP" was the last message the device showed before resuming normal functions. That was the last time his sister tried any more contact. Barney was careful not to let any radioactive materials touch their bare skins as he bandaged his best friend up.

"How did you make it this far?" Gordon asked, studying Calhoun for any wounds. "Vents and some pretty wicked detective work," the guard answered, the Resonance Cascade did nothing to wear down their wits. In a rare vulnerable chance, they allowed themselves a reprieve in order to touch and know the other was real. "I thought you were dead," the guard murmured, eyes closed and tone mourning. "I didn't," this simple statement spoke volumes of Gordon's faith in his comrade. Kleiner smiled a little as he watched the scene and instead of scarred men, he saw two brothers assuring each other that everything would be okay.

As they fought side by side, both felt alive for the first time since they started the day. They were synchronized, one covering for the other. "Almost there!" Kleiner announced as he programmed the Portal program. In that second, Gordon felt the unfamiliar burning sensation of an electric blast to the back. The pain crippled him to the point he buckled down on the floor, his screams were drown out by the chaos. "Doc, stop the experiment! Man down!" Calhoun yelled, running towards his friend. "I can't! He has to go in now! The portal is unstable and will close down!"

"Gordon, if you make it out alive, I'll buy you the biggest German beer keg on the planet," the cop whispered to the ailing man as he carried him to the portal. Freeman smiled as he recovered his strength. for an instant, "You owe me a lot more beer than that." "I know," Calhoun showed his best friend the actual feat he was experiencing. "Those flying freaks will keep spawning, Barnes..." "Kleiner and I can hold down the fort, you make sure you destroy the mothership or whatever's over there." The portals themselves were rapidly decaying so the physicist seized every last bit of stamina and energy to stand up and run but not before telling his best friend, "I'll see you when I see you." The hands lingered a microsecond too long before he jumped into the glowing doorway. "Yeah...You will," Barney held out, knowing Gordon would be all right.

He would never go home...the truth was he'd be banned for all eternity for the sins he had committed in the last 48 hours. The Government Man had made it clear he had been used as a pawn in a game to conquer both Xen and Earth. He would never see his parents, his beloved sister...their shared lullaby echoing in his mind.

He did have one comfort, the sound of his heartbeat...he was alive. He closed his eyes and let himself fall into oblivion. As he fell into unconsciousness, he heard a second heartbeat invade his ears. He turned to his side to find Adrian smiling sadly. "He got you too..." Without hesitation, Freeman reached out a hand before the endless abyss overtook both of them. _I promised you'd get your Heaven...would you mind waiting just a little longer? Yeah, I don't mind._

_Session 16: Roommates_

"Bummer about your living quarters, Barnes," Dr. Gordon Freeman stated while drinking a cold soda pop as he and Security Officer Barney Calhoun watch the latter's dorms be partially torn down. "Eh, not that big a deal. That place had enough asbestos to kill a herd of rhinos among other health hazards," he commented as he picked up his very cold beer, "now to look for a place to crash for the time being." "Dude, stay with me! New Mexico's real estate will fuck you over," Gordon invited, extending his hand. "How would you-" "Tried renting here, almost got $4000 in debt." The guard was surprised at how generous the scientist was, then he remembered that it was his best friend. "You sure you won't mind?" "My last roommate bailed on me; I'm damn sure," Freeman answered. "That's because you're a drinking god amongst these peons." "Thank you, someone finally recognized my greatness." "That or your liver's permanently pickled."

After a night of double-shifts and assorted vice indulgence, Freeman was finally asleep on his couch. Barney was having his night with Lauren, so read the black tie on the bedroom. It was that time of the year again...Awesome. Then again, he did have to make up for the fact that Barney walked in on the scientist "making a transaction" with a hooker named Marybell Swanson. Tonight, he had to grin and bear it. This was a slight bit of punishment as he was not allowed to wear ear plugs or leave the room if he ever came in unannounced. "Sadistic bastard," that's all Gordon had to say about that. And yet, there he was, sleeping on the couch because he just HAD to get the apartment's last cookie.

Still, Barney never said he couldn't jack off for a moment. Ah, the troubles of being in love with your best friend. Freeman slowly slipped a hand into his pajama pants and felt around. It was too late to call anyone over so this was the best he could come up with. Every stroke, every rub, he couldn't help imagining Calhoun doing exactly this. Quickly, he buried his face into his pillow and, for the most part, kept his moans quiet. His eyes rolled back and his right leg pulled towards the rest of his body, as if the guard had grabbed it and pushed inside. There's that one moment when imaginary Barney seized his lips and bit down the tenderness around the collarbone. Freeman's eyes almost seemed to glow as he finally-

"You are incorrigible!" Lauren scolded after they both heard Gordon scream in a mini-climax. "I like sex. I spend ten to fifteen hours a day with workaholics, and it's too early to drink," the scientist shot back, hoping the couch would swallow him. He should've kept his voice in check and when he came, a circuit breaker inexplicably blew out. And now, there was a severely pissed off girlfriend storming off and a too-sober cop already up and wearing boxers. "I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news but...this is my apartment." "You could've KNOCKED. That's what roommates d- why did you kill a pillow?" Barney just had to ask with the mess of gray feathers around his buddy. "...I have a bite kink?" Freeman instantly hissed, a dead giveaway that he'd just lied. "Uh huh. Really?" "No but the explanation's a bit harder to put in words." The doctor quickly cleaned what he could, avoiding his best friend's glare. "Look, I'm supposed to say sorry but that went out the window along with the circuit breaker," Gordon shrugged, fixing his hair as best as he could under the circumstances.


End file.
